So your wife’s(or babe) birthday is coming up and you’re short of ideas on how to surprise her….here’s where I come in. Follow the suggestion in this writeup and you’re ALMOST guaranteed (hey, I can only give a 99% guaranty) to have a stress-free relationship for at least 2-8 weeks depending on the type of woman you have (or the type of man that you are).
It helps if you start the process at least 2 weeks before her birthday. Start a quarrel with her about anything. Complain about how there’s too much salt in the stew, or how …..well, I’m sure you can come up with something. About 1 week before her birthday, tell her you’re going on a business trip to Abuja (or 500 miles from wherever you are) on the afternoon of her birthday. She’ll probably get mad at you for wanting to travel on her birthday but let her know you’ve finally gotten the appointment you were seeking for from a top executive that wants to give you a BIG contract. This should be the only situation where you’ll have to “lie” to her though.
On her birthday, pretend as if you’ve forgotten it’s her day only to be reminded at about 11am when her friend pops in to give her a birthday present. She’ll probably be angry that you were not the first to wish her a happy birthday. Let her know you didn’t forget but that you were so engrossed in the trip to Abuja (or Iraq as your case may be) you’ll be making by 3pm.
You finally start heading to the airport by 3pm and she’s still upset at you for deciding to “travel” on her birthday. Meanwhile, unknown to her, you go to an arranged location where you meet with your faithful cousin that just brought in a BMW 3 series that you ordered for your wife. Your plan was to give her as a birthday gift. 2 things have been on her “to-get” list for 2 years now: a new house and a new car. You could only afford the later and its enough to make her have the best birthday of her thirty-something years on earth.
You call her at your location at about 6pm to ask if she has gotten to her choir rehearsals. She replies affirmatively and you tell her happy birthday again & that your plane is just boarding. Unknown to her, you had been plotting this scheme with another member of her choir who will help coordinate the surprise at the choir rehearsals.
You arrange for the co-plotter to pass around post-it notes for people to write their birthday wishes on. You then place each note on the dashboard of the car. By the time you’re doing that, you ought to have arranged for the car’s makeup (assuming your wife is a makeup artist) so that everyone that sees it will know it belongs to a makeup artist.
The time for your presentation arrives. Its 8pm. You’re a little nervous because you’re about to appear in front of 50+ people to give a speech that will embarrass and surprise your wife (who by now thinks you should have landed in Abuja). You gather all courage and walk into the hall. Some of the people are surprised because they hardly get choir lessons from someone who knows nothing about music. You calm them down and begin a speech that looks like the following (while your wife sits in the corner, with her head down and a big smile on her face because she senses something is about to go down):
I’m here because today is my wife’s birthday. I’m here to say that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for always pinching my face even when you tell me not to. I’m sorry for making you think that I love my job more than you. I’m sorry for not giving you a listening ear when you needed one. I’m sorry for the times I ignored you and made you feel insignificant. I’m sorry for the many times you’ve had to enter okada when heaven knows that beautiful people like you should be driving BMW 5 series. I’m sorry for lying to you that I was traveling to Abuja when I knew I was coming to meet you here. I’m sorry for not having enough money to buy you the beautiful house you’ve dreamt of. But with the little I have, please accept this small offering as a token of my everlasting love for you.
It is at that moment you give her the church’s offering envelope where you hid the keys to the BMW 318i. By this time, she should be covering her face with her beautiful hands and crying. She would then rise to give you one of the best hugs you’ve ever gotten in you life. She would then end the hug with the words “I LOVE YOU” while simultaneously wiping the tears from her eyes.
She steps outside and sees the beautiful beemer that you’ve presented. Every one in the room hails you for being the most romantic husband they know and you’re happy because you just succeeded in giving your wife the surprise of her life.
At this junction, if you happen to have any children it might be a wise idea to have dropped them with grandma for a 2-week holiday. This would allow you to fully savor the bedroom romance that will begin from that very night. Your life will never remain the same. If your wife is not grateful for such a delicately planned surprise, either something is terribly wrong with her (or you) or you married the devil. Come to think of it, even the devil will be surprised and grateful.
Now to the ladies. If you were the one whose husband surprised you in such a glamorous way, how will you respond or retaliate? Be honest
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